Broke in my Xmas gift shoes with my first walk in a long time. Hopefully this helps me keep at walking.
Did the reverse of Kawakawa-Grampians Road and did the boring bit up first. I was surprised by how quickly I got up--post TrailFit and pre-baby level! But Ponga Track was closed so I had to go Hinau partly and was worried about where Ponga would have the tricky bits. True enough, they were close to the end. Luckily I met a guy with his dogs who said the closed bit was leveled and just had idle machines, safe enough for someone who knows the track well. So good I didn't have to extend more than I already had to.
I always say I won't take more than one picture (for a cover photo for a post) but then I see a gorgeous sight and just have to snap it, even if the result never matches what the eye sees. I guess for me, taking a photo is like giving it a kiss. It could be the endorphins, but what an amazing place to live in Nelson is.
I'm also so grateful to the people who maintain the tracks and have opened up new ones, like the one that goes down from Grampians Road and used to be a dead end by a wild pig trapping area. They get the machines up there and make it safe for us, tamping down gravel onto muddy patches and clearing fallen trees. Thank you.
But I found myself today with a little more time to breathe. Having needed a mood booster lately, I decided to stimulate my vagus nerve by playing and singing a song on the guitar. I started out with The Radio Dept.'s "Against The Tide", which doesn't sound like it when it's just me performing it but is a rich sensory experience when I hear it on my head while singing along.
I don't know why, but the next song I chose was "Perfect" by True Faith. When I sing someone else's song I don't really add my own spin to it - - I'm always hearing it in my head and so I end up emulating the singer's style. Something about Medwin Marfil's voice is just so life-affirming: full-bodied yet mellifluous, so skilled and if it had a personality, it had the guts to take on any note. I could feel my batteries charging.
I remembered that it was one of the songs I performed when I did a solo set at Route 196: Stripped, and an idol happened to be there at the time and loved that I covered it. Heehee good memory.
I love to tell anyone who asks that what this song, or True Faith's music in general, did for me was allow me to fall in love with major 7th chords. But what made me instantly fall in love with "Perfect" in particular was when I heard the words, But just like Mathis singing / on a low down Sunday afternoon / the blues split apart / all my sense departs / as I see you come into view.
I was in my high school dorm room, listening to the radio, and my ears pricked because it exactly conjured memories of Sunday afternoons with my Mom listening to her oldies station on her transistor radio. Dad had died, and their business was failing, so we were all depressed. But her Sunday afternoon music sessions were a reprieve from all that.
Since U was born, I've been remembering all my traumas, but now I feel like I'm in the last stages of reckoning with them. It's been exhausting. I've felt wrung out and many times have wished for an ending. But in moments like this, when music is involved, even on such a private level, I can look back on certain memories and feel joy - - and it makes me hopeful for the future.
I don't know whether my future holds making music anymore. But that's okay. Music is in my life somehow, and that's enough. It's a love language between me and R, and now also U. I will always have it to guide me to connection with them and I must always remember this. I can be brave enough to face our future if I have it in my pocket.
And I can be brave enough to face my past and continue loving the people who've loved me all my life, as long as I can use it as a conduit to them.
This morning, my husband called me, but I was in a weekly meeting, chairing it, so I had to drop his call. He called again 30 minutes later, but the meeting hadn't ended. When it did, I rang him back. He said that he had wanted to check on me. His boss had called him earlier and said he was running late to the job because someone was trying to jump off a bridge over our motorway. R called because he wanted to see if I was okay, ie. that the potential jumper wasn't me.
I thanked him for checking on me. Our tone was light, but I was profoundly touched. The call made me feel that he saw how I've been lately. That he knew things have been hard enough for me for my concerns to be taken seriously.
I have been feeling guilty about struggles with mental health lately, I don't want U and R to be burdened. But right now, I'm just grateful for the call.
I've been wanting to come back but life has been busy.
2025 feels like it's going to be an amazing year because I've been coming back to myself a bit since the last quarter of 2024. However, this first quarter has seen one explosion after another. We've survived somehow.
Last week we visited Auckland because we caught the Eraserheads tour stop there. We stayed with our friends in Browns Bay and couldn't really do more because it's tiring to travel with U at this point even if he has been really good at it. It was lovely to come back to our former home suburb, and all the sweeter to be with people we used to live with and/or have had such close relationships back in the PH.
The concert itself was amazing, a religious experience, singing those songs while surrounded by other Pinoys who loved them so much, too. We were so lucky and grateful that Raims let us come backstage after the show so we could say hi. We had to leave them after a bit because they had an early start the next day, and we felt we would be imposing if we stayed.
Today, I feel bereft. All weekend, I kept talking about the fantasy of moving back to Auckland to be with our friends, though of course I also acknowledged the barriers to that. But as predicted, our homecoming to Nelson was so sweet. U was happy and relieved to be back.
I feel that this trip has highlighted for me all the things that we lost over the years, and most starkly what I lost in 2025. Watching the concert reminded me of gig life in the Philippines, and meeting the 'Heads again my friendships and connections, all the behind-the-scenes of such a life. I am grieving.
Perhaps all our paths will converge again somewhere down the line, I know they really will. But oh how much it hurts to be apart from what has been part of yourself.
P. S. It helped me to write this down. I had been feeling ill since yesterday morning, a sickness in the heart. It's been tempered now.
Dearest, we've been through a lot and every day is delightful and wonderful and frustrating. I'm getting a bit more used to that confounding combo.
I just did a somatic workout and feel like I've released a huge knot. So, here you are next to me, the rain is falling on the roof, the wind is changing how it sounds, and I'm so lucky to have you and your dad and our cat.
May I always remember to kiss you and hold you when you need me, and when I need you.
It's true, after all - - the unknown stores of strength that a mother pulls somehow when needed.
When the time came to bite the bullet in the last few weeks of last year, I thought I would buckle completely, lead us all to disaster, but the worst that has happened is only loss of temper and quite a few tantrums (mine, and only when he's not looking).
Today, I had to juggle a GP visit (for asthma meds), a settling visit at his new daycare (because the other new daycare is closing in two weeks!), a drop-off at his steadfast daycare, and dropping off the car to be serviced, all while navigating his naps and energy levels and doing a half day's work (was on half-day leave). I treated myself to an amazing late lunch and congratulated myself on not falling apart. When I was done with my work I decided to hop on the bus to get him early when daycare suddenly texted that he'd vomited and needed to be collected. I was there quickly (Nelson is tiny) and he was fine, though he hadn't napped since drop off at all (and there went the next 48 hours of daycare because of the vomiting) , so we hopped back on the bus to the city to wait for the car to be ready.
We waited in Trafalgar near the piano by the museum, where a young man was plinking down some melancholic tunes - - U was fascinated. When the man had finished and walked away to talk to someone, U tried some tentative notes and so I let him sit down and bang away for 30 seconds. Then i took him down and let him have a snack; the young man came back and started playing a tinkly creation - - I think it was for U because he'd been so appreciative. The man he was talking to walked over and we four listened to the music, genuinely enjoying those moments. It was so nice to slow down for a bit and have the experience along with U. Lovely.
The nice man from the garage called and said the car was ready so I carried U all the way there. He fell asleep on the short ride home. I wasn't sure I could do it, but I was able to transfer him to bed without waking him, and take out the rubbish and clean his high chair tray and have few moments to myself, drinking iced water to fight the blazing heat I'd felt all day.
He cried out and I climbed into bed with him, which helped him settle. I'm resting with him now.
Last night, I spent 10min bawling to my husband about how horrible bed time is when U walks around, tries to scrape my moles with his fingernails, throws all the pillows and stuffies off the bed. God, I will have so many of those still. But I hope they'll be shorter by a second or two every time.
Tomorrow and on Thursday, he will be home while I try to work. Praying for grace and strength!
Such an interesting tail end of last week as U was getting better. I have a few mum friends from some groups I attended when U was younger and two of them have kept in touch (not just) since we had to stop going because I started working again and he started daycare. Ang saya kasi yung isa naka biglaang hang out namin twice over the weekend, as in kasama si R and U and their trio as I well. And naka family hang din namin yung isa a few weeks ago, kaya masaya din. Pero alam naman ng lahat na ang hirap makipagkaibigan pag matanda na, idagdag mo pa na mahirap makipagkaibigan pag galing kang ibang bansa, at ipatong mo pa na ang hirap makipagkaibigan pag may nangyaring life-changing sa iyo (having a kid). A lot of thought and anxiety goes into interactions, for better or worse.
Napaisip din ako sa mga lumang friendships, both in NZ and the Philippines. Mahirap ang LDR, at magpatong ka pa ng kung anu-ano, magugulat ka na lang kung sino ang interesado pa, or sinong naiisip mo. Kasalanan ko ba? Nagkulang ba ako? Ano sa tingin ko ang pinagkulang niya?
Ngayong nandito na si U, nararamdaman ko na nauubos ang lakas at oras ko sa mga palaisapang ganito. Sana tumigil na ako at matuwa na lang sa buhay.
I passed my driver's exam yesterday on my second take. It's a huge relief as I can now drive us wherever we need to go, especially in an emergency. U has had a wonderful stretch of weeks of health but suddenly caught a cough on Sunday evening and vomited Monday morning and exhibited some stridor. I was worried and wanted to bring him to Urgent Care, but logistics were difficult for us. In the end R took off some time from work to bring us -- by then U was feeling better (whew) and stridor was gone. More logistical issues though in the next few days as I tried to to data work from home while caring for him, seeing his condition go up and down, and getting sick myself. By Thursday afternoon, even if R had taken the last two days off to relieve me, I was a nervous wreck.
My friend L who's been coaching me during practise drives suggested that I might still need therapy for it when I told her about my carjacking experience 21 years ago. It seemed unrelated to my nerves about driving here in NZ at the time, after passing yesterday's exam, I realised maybe my driving was affected by it after all. By the way, I had only just passed -- "It wasn't great," in testing officer's words -- and the assessment emailed to me said I didn't do enough head checks and mirror checking. And instead of feeling like celebrating when R and U joined me in the car and he asked me how it went, I fell apart under his questions. All the stress and hopes built into this project, and probably the unearthed PTSD, came crashing down on me and I drove us home in tears.
We stopped over at the vet first to get some catfood and meds, and when I returned to the van, U was wailing from sepanx and wouldn't be consoled. After a few minutes I started singing some of his favourite songs, faking the joy, until I started laughing at flubbing the lyrics (I was keeping my eyes on the road), and it worked, he stopped crying, and the ridiculousness of it all broke me out of my despair.
Still, I feel I need therapy because things have been getting a little worse for my general disposition lately, even as U is growing and becoming a bit easier (in some ways) and more fulfilling to care for. Anxiety has popped up again and I find my relationship with R being strained by my reactions to things and my dip in mood. I feel less in control of my emotions -- last night, R put on a documentary about food safety and I lost it in front of U when they showed a little girl battling E. coli in hospital. I've had more emotional dysregulation during care situations with U, now that he's more able to protest, and always beat myself up afterwards.
I could ask for a few more sessions from Perinatal Support but they have limited resources. I think I need to dig deep now, but also can't afford professional fees with a growing toddler and a partner on apprentice wages.
Blogging is not therapy, I know. I've known that for a very long time. I'm not stupid! But talk and meds cost $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$! Where is that going to come from?
Oh, you know... just thinking (tangina mo) out "loud".
Walang linggong di ako nababaliw, kahit masaya naman ang may anak, in total. May post ako recently about singing him to sleep, pero hello, 10-month sleep progression, o kung ano mang gusto mong itawag sa ganun, o kung ano mang rason kung bakit di na gumagana ang harana sa kanya. Hindi naman umabot ang difficulty level sa early days, pero nakaka drain din ang gabihang emotional wrestling dahil hindi gumagana ang lahat ng nakasanayang tricks.
Sa tingin ko, ang puno't dulo ng galit niya ay dahil kakapiranggot na lang talaga ang gatas sa mga dede ko. Alam kong sinasabi ko since month three na nauubos na ang gatas ko, at heto tayo ngayon sa ikasampung buwan at pinag uusapan pa rin ang breastfeeding - which is both amazing and frustrating! Aaaggghhhh - pero, di nga, peksman, wala na ata talaga masyadong nandiyan kasi galit na galit talaga si Ulan kahit antok na antok na siya kapag sinusubukan niyang mag comfort feed. At ngayon nangangagat pa.
It makes sense na malaki na ang nabawas kasi apat na araw siyang nasa daycare so naapektuhan yung supply ng lack of demand. Despite that, sinasabi ni Russ meron pa ding lumalabas (paano niya alam? Basta!), pero siguro konti na lang talaga. Nalulungkot at nahihirapan ako tuwing sinusubukan kong ipadede si Ulan kapag bedtime na. Kung meron pa sana, madali na sana siyang makakatulog at di na siya iiyak hanggang masuka niya ang hapunan niya. Kung napapadede ko pa siya, hindi na kailangan ni Russ labhan ang bedsheet namin every day.
Feeling ko ding malaki na ang nabawas kasi parang nalulungkot uli ako, o di ako ulit makarelaks, o nahihirapan akong sumaya minsan - feeling ko nagwewean na talaga ako. Yung hormones ko out of whack: ang aga na dumating ng period ko, mga every 3 weeks, tapos low energy ako halos araw-araw. May mga gabi akong di makatulog dahil nga sa aforementioned rumination.
Hay naku. Please lang, ayaw kong tuluyan nang maging Sisa. Magpaplano pa ako ng first birthday celebration.
Ang ganda ng stage na ito sa baby, though. Sobrang daldal ni Ulan, at ang dami niyang intonations - nakakagulat minsan na ang expressive ng gibberish niya. Mana ata sakin hahaha - ask my kuya!
Ang cute cute niya ngayon grabe. Lagi kaming nagaapiran ni Russ wahahaha kasi sa ganda naming dalawa di pa rin namin akalain na napakaganda ang lalabas sa kanya! Whatever, all parents think their kids are the most beautiful. Pero sa totoo lang, masaya siyang katambay. Funny guy siya, like his dad.
Nakakatawa at nakakabaliw talaga once the babies start getting sick because of daycare. Una, ang hirap mag-alaga ng may sakit na baby habang may sakit. Pangalawa, hawaan lang kayo forever, back and forth, dahil wala kayong alam kahit nag-aral naman kayo ng Science nung bata kayo (o mangmang lang kayo talaga mwahaha). Siguro ito na ang definite proof na taga-New Zealand kami dahil hindi kami marunong mag-quarantine kahit muntik nang magunaw ang mundo dahil sa Covid-19. Mangmang nga.
Ang pangatlo pala ay ang constant paranoia na ikaw at ang baby mo ang nagkalat ng lagim sa mums and bubs class, daycare, o mga kaibigan mo. Tuwing nakakabalita ako na may nagkasakit, iniisip ko kaagad, "Shet kelan ko ba siya huling nakita?" o "Shucks, inubohan kaya siya ni U nung pumunta kami doon?" Parang lahat ng sakit sa mundo ay kasalanan naming mga Davis.
Nakakahiya rin kapag nakikita mong may nanay na feeling may cooties ang anak mo. Porke uhugin or laging may kulangot sa mga kuweba. Naranasan kong may nagmamadaling hinablot ang kanyang anak na babae mula sa harapan ni U nang nakumpirma niyang may lumalabas na uhog.
Yung nag-aalaga kay U at sa mga kasama niya sa at-home daycare ay dating nagturo sa South Auckland. Siguradong marami sa mga magulang dun ay di basta-bastang makapag-leave sa trabaho pag may sakit ang anak. Kaya siguro sabi ng taga-alaga kina U, basta hindi green (ibig sabihin, may infection), okay na. Hay, bless her soul.
Pero sa no. 3 talaga ako napapahamak eh! Bumalik ang rumination at insomnia! Tsk! Tsk! Tsk! HAHAHAHAHAhuhuhu!
He's been sick at home the past few days, and even with Russ staying to take care of him so I could work, I've had some shameful moments...
But after work today I took over Russ and quietly stayed with J after a boob drink while he played with his toys. As he held a mirror to his face, I said hi to his reflection, which delighted him. I showed him different ways we could say hi to each other while playing with the mirror, which he loved, and at one point he even put his face next to mine so we could both look at our reflections and beam at each other. I've recently had a radical haircut so some days I look frumpy (today was one) and I almost frowned at myself, but then I saw the way he was looking back at me and realised he probably thinks I'm one of the most beautiful people on this planet! <3
He's a bit easier to put to bed now because he doesn't have to be rocked. I only have to have the white noise machine on and sing to him softly. After some writhing around the bed like a ferocious walrus he eventually falls asleep. I sang him my favourite love songs tonight. It's so much fun to sing it to him with genuine feeling albeit softly.
