Patient Zero

 

Nakakatawa at nakakabaliw talaga once the babies start getting sick because of daycare. Una, ang hirap mag-alaga ng may sakit na baby habang may sakit. Pangalawa, hawaan lang kayo forever, back and forth, dahil wala kayong alam kahit nag-aral naman kayo ng Science nung bata kayo (o mangmang lang kayo talaga mwahaha). Siguro ito na ang definite proof na taga-New Zealand kami dahil hindi kami marunong mag-quarantine kahit muntik nang magunaw ang mundo dahil sa Covid-19. Mangmang nga.

Ang pangatlo pala ay ang constant paranoia na ikaw at ang baby mo ang nagkalat ng lagim sa mums and bubs class, daycare, o mga kaibigan mo. Tuwing nakakabalita ako na may nagkasakit, iniisip ko kaagad, "Shet kelan ko ba siya huling nakita?" o "Shucks, inubohan kaya siya ni U nung pumunta kami doon?" Parang lahat ng sakit sa mundo ay kasalanan naming mga Davis.

Nakakahiya rin kapag nakikita mong may nanay na feeling may cooties ang anak mo. Porke uhugin or laging may kulangot sa mga kuweba. Naranasan kong may nagmamadaling hinablot ang kanyang anak na babae mula sa harapan ni U nang nakumpirma niyang may lumalabas na uhog.

Yung nag-aalaga kay U at sa mga kasama niya sa at-home daycare ay dating nagturo sa South Auckland. Siguradong marami sa mga magulang dun ay di basta-bastang makapag-leave sa trabaho pag may sakit ang anak. Kaya siguro sabi ng taga-alaga kina U, basta hindi green (ibig sabihin, may infection), okay na. Hay, bless her soul.

Pero sa no. 3 talaga ako napapahamak eh! Bumalik ang rumination at insomnia! Tsk! Tsk! Tsk! HAHAHAHAHAhuhuhu! 

Harana

He's been sick at home the past few days, and even with Russ staying to take care of him so I could work, I've had some shameful moments...

But after work today I took over Russ and quietly stayed with J after a boob drink while he played with his toys. As he held a mirror to his face, I said hi to his reflection, which delighted him. I showed him different ways we could say hi to each other while playing with the mirror, which he loved, and at one point he even put his face next to mine so we could both look at our reflections and beam at each other. I've recently had a radical haircut so some days I look frumpy (today was one) and I almost frowned at myself, but then I saw the way he was looking back at me and realised he probably thinks I'm one of the most beautiful people on this planet! <3

He's a bit easier to put to bed now because he doesn't have to be rocked. I only have to have the white noise machine on and sing to him softly. After some writhing around the bed like a ferocious walrus he eventually falls asleep. I sang him my favourite love songs tonight. It's so much fun to sing it to him with genuine feeling albeit softly. 

Daymare

 

Today was one of those days that can make me go insane. Cough came back over the weekend and it coincided with projectile vomiting. Even reducing his solids intake couldn't prevent the spewing. Mondays are generally difficult because daycare doesn't do them, but maybe because he wasn't feeling too well today the fits were particularly challenging.

I had a breakdown toward the end of the workday and cried in front of him, which upset him even more. Calmed down and apologised and explained it wasn't his fault. He spewed this morning and spewed again in the afternoon and I had to give us both a bath. While I was cleaning up the vomit, I forgot that Morty was there and suddenly heard J wail - - he'd gone for it and got a swipe (I assume, called the vet to ask their opinion which was it wasn't a bite because there was only one hole, but yes we will keep observing, no worries) behind the ear. I washed it with soap and water, cuddles, etc.

Despite his cough and vomiting, J was still cheerful and energetic, and I still kept having to chase him around the house all day in between meetings and tasks. I marvel at his let's-do-it attitude, which I don't think he got from me. Russ denies it's from him, though he's the likelier candidate of us both. I'm relieved he doesn't take after my cautious self, even if it portends clashing with him in the future. I want him to be able to explore and pursue what he wants in life.

When Russ got home, I begged for a few chores so he could watch him a bit. But all the health issues and crying fits of the day had me caving into yet another breakdown, this time requiring a few minutes of sobbing in the bedroom. I just don't know what to fucking do all the time and I feel so unworthy of being his mum. By now, Russ understands that I can eventually compose myself (which I do) and he knows what to say to me (it's okay), thank heavens. A few more crying fits before and during dinner, and now J is sleeping soundly beside me, closed mouth and breathing through his nose despite his congestion, thank heavens.

Do we bring him to the GP, or Urgent Care since they're always booked up for weeks? Do I call Plunket to stumble through symptoms and feel like an idiot? Do we wait it out, not give him solids, just hope he can keep his milk down and stop coughing miraculously so that daycare this week is a possibility? I have no idea, but god he's beautiful, and we'll just keep trying our very, very, very best. Bahala na. 

Room for love

 

I didn't want to get up with my alarm this morning because his little form next to me was peaceful and beautiful, and it felt like a hearth in the cold. I needed to get his things ready (along with a gazillion others), but I was glued to the bed, feeling like a loving mother, which has been rare.

Childcare gives more space in my head for me to treasure him. I don't doubt that I love him, but I doubt that I show it enough (even though I probably do) and I'm sure as hell I don't savour it enough. This morning was such a gift.

Childcare also gives me more space for myself. Lately, work has felt like a respite, but it's falsely so - - you're being paid to perform a service. Now, I can sit for 10 minutes in the sun away from my laptop, giving my mind a breather, just being with our cat, who's been a champ since J arrived and deserves some TLC.

J had to miss some sessions last week because of cough, but he's been back all this week and his educator says he's been a happy, chatty boy. What a gift. 

The Ultimate Art Project (part 2)

 

I started the previous post in May 2023 and never was able to finish it because that's what happens to new mothers: you hardly ever finish things you intend to. Besides taking care of an active baby boy, the pressure of work and finding daycare blocked all plans to update. 

Anyway, in a nutshell, I gave birth to him in October 2022 and I immediately descended into post-natal anxiety. He was a gassy baby who struggled with GI and feeding issues, and I was a clueless fool. I was only able to get help when he was 3 months old, but counselling sessions did so much to get me out of the fog enough to finally appreciate our boy. I was okay for a few months, but almost relapsed when I started working full-time again without decent daycare. Some lucky and unlucky circumstances led us to him finally going into a lovely at-home daycare, which he enjoys so much. I'm now able to breathe again and focus on work, and again appreciate J's beautiful growth.

It's still very challenging to be parents in a country away from your family and old friends. Our support network is tiny -- if it's there at all hahaha -- and R and I are flying by the seats of our pants every day. I have breakdowns pretty much twice a week. But R tells me this is parenthood: stretching ourselves and what we can do, what we can take, a bit every day for our son. That has helped me deal with the breakdowns much better and forgive myself better.

I wanted to resurrect this blog because I needed somewhere to dump weird feelings (Twitter is bleagh now) like, "Aaaahhhhh I miss him so much!" while he's at daycare, or "I'm lost!!!" one of my big realisations recently was that motherhood is pretty much feeling like a fool for the rest of your child's life. The key is to be okay with that maybe. 

the ultimate art project (part 1)

the last time i posted was more than a year ago because i didn't want to jinx the big event of 2022, which was the birth (and gestation) of our son j. i may not have mentioned in my previous posts that i had gotten over the fear of trying again when the year began, and so to our surprise we immediately became pregnant.