I passed my driver's exam yesterday on my second take. It's a huge relief as I can now drive us wherever we need to go, especially in an emergency. U has had a wonderful stretch of weeks of health but suddenly caught a cough on Sunday evening and vomited Monday morning and exhibited some stridor. I was worried and wanted to bring him to Urgent Care, but logistics were difficult for us. In the end R took off some time from work to bring us -- by then U was feeling better (whew) and stridor was gone. More logistical issues though in the next few days as I tried to to data work from home while caring for him, seeing his condition go up and down, and getting sick myself. By Thursday afternoon, even if R had taken the last two days off to relieve me, I was a nervous wreck.
My friend L who's been coaching me during practise drives suggested that I might still need therapy for it when I told her about my carjacking experience 21 years ago. It seemed unrelated to my nerves about driving here in NZ at the time, after passing yesterday's exam, I realised maybe my driving was affected by it after all. By the way, I had only just passed -- "It wasn't great," in testing officer's words -- and the assessment emailed to me said I didn't do enough head checks and mirror checking. And instead of feeling like celebrating when R and U joined me in the car and he asked me how it went, I fell apart under his questions. All the stress and hopes built into this project, and probably the unearthed PTSD, came crashing down on me and I drove us home in tears.
We stopped over at the vet first to get some catfood and meds, and when I returned to the van, U was wailing from sepanx and wouldn't be consoled. After a few minutes I started singing some of his favourite songs, faking the joy, until I started laughing at flubbing the lyrics (I was keeping my eyes on the road), and it worked, he stopped crying, and the ridiculousness of it all broke me out of my despair.
Still, I feel I need therapy because things have been getting a little worse for my general disposition lately, even as U is growing and becoming a bit easier (in some ways) and more fulfilling to care for. Anxiety has popped up again and I find my relationship with R being strained by my reactions to things and my dip in mood. I feel less in control of my emotions -- last night, R put on a documentary about food safety and I lost it in front of U when they showed a little girl battling E. coli in hospital. I've had more emotional dysregulation during care situations with U, now that he's more able to protest, and always beat myself up afterwards.
I could ask for a few more sessions from Perinatal Support but they have limited resources. I think I need to dig deep now, but also can't afford professional fees with a growing toddler and a partner on apprentice wages.
Blogging is not therapy, I know. I've known that for a very long time. I'm not stupid! But talk and meds cost $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$! Where is that going to come from?
Oh, you know... just thinking (tangina mo) out "loud".
